They said it couldn't be done...

Baking with Honey Crisp apples, that is. And I fooled them. I just created the most delicious apple pie with Honey Crisp apples and I win. This time. Here's the deal: So, I bought a bag of Honey Crisp apples at my favorite deep-discount grocery that carries their own brands that maybe I can mention here (Aldi) and maybe I can't. So I just did. The apples are what I'd call "lunch box size". Smaller than the usual gargantuan Honey Crisps you see a bit later in apple season. And they weren't as super-sweet. Tasty, but not super-sweet. This morning I needed to make a dessert to take to my husband's sister's house today, and we've had cake and more cake and cupcakes and pumpkin cake roll lately, so I decided on pie. And I've read so much about how Honey Crisps aren't the best for baking but I thought I'd give it a try anyway... I used eight Honey Crisp apples, smaller in size than normal. Peeled and chopped/sliced. And cored, of course. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants seeds in their apple pie. After I chopped the apples, I combined them with a cup of sugar, about a tablespoon and a half of my favorite cinnamon mix - it's from The Pampered Chef* and it's called Cinnamon Spice Blend. It has cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves and let me tell you, it's delish. I also added a half teaspoon of salt. Then I made the crust. I usually use good old shortening, but today I went wild and used real butter, because it's Sunday and it's delicious. I mixed 2 cups of flour with a dash of salt, then cut in 1 1/3 cups of cold, ice cold butter. I used an old-fashioned pastry blender, hand held, and mixed it all up until it resembled little tiny pea-shaped pieces. I then added, one tablespoon at a time, about 9 tablespoons of ice water. Very critical that the butter and ice water are icy-cold - that way your crust is light and flaky. I rolled out half the crust, placed it in my pie pan, filled the crust with the apple mixture, rolled out the top crust, placed it on top and cut the edges to about a half-inch larger around than the pan. I rolled the edges together and crimped them with my fingers, the cut about 5 slits in the top crust with a sharp knife. I was going to make some fancy shapes out of the leftover pie crust, but time was short. Another day. Brushed the top with a tablespoon of milk and dusted it with a little sugar and into a 400* oven it went. The result? Oh. My. Gosh. So good. Smelled delightful, and looks incredible. I sure hope I added the photo correctly!! Try it - you'll fool the doubters, too!

Back at it...

So hi. It's been a while, but I think I'll give it another try. So here's the thing: I don't want to work full time at a job outside my house anymore. Today. Tomorrow may be another story. What do you do when you're 49 years old and love being what you are and who you are but really don't want to do it for 8+ hours five days a week? When you are torn between knowing you went to college in mid-life for this career and want to keep a part of it in your life but want to explore your other interests? I love to bake and cook. I love to read and travel. I love and live for music in my life. There must be songs playing all the time. And I love being a nurse. How do I incorporate all of these into a meaningful life and career and still make a decent living? I'm at a crossroads. My boss noted this about me the other day. Even she sees it. I just don't know how to work it all out.

In the darkness ....

When trouble comes, and you are alone, the world seems very dark. It is then, in times when you feel your faith is shaken beyond repair, that you must seek God's word. He is always there with you. Pray with all of your heart - He hears you. Be still, and know that He is there. 

Big Questions and Small Answers

I am reading my oldest sister's posts (this has sorta turned out to be your blog so far, Lori, hasn't it?) and now I am here to write about some of the things that are on my mind, too. First, big sis, I want to say that I admire the candidness with which you've come to this blog and with which you've written your most recent posts in particular.

(I could write all of that in a comment, but since I'm a contributor to this blog, this is how I'm doing it.)

I am "here" because I am also experiencing some of these troubles, too, in my own fashion. Questioning my purpose and my impact. I am "here" to read and write a blog post, because I need to make myself write, because I don't write anymore. And writing is supposed to be my job right now--at least according to the plan established two and a half years ago, when I started my PhD program. But instead of taking my prelims and writing my dissertation this year, I am on leave from my program to sort those things out, hone in on my research topic and methods, and hopefully get through the crippling combination of procrastination and writer's block that I've experienced--and which has gotten worse and worse--over the past few years.

(For a discussion of crippling procrastination/writer's block cycle that is very entertaining and meanwhile clear and explanatory, see "Why Procrastinators Procrastinate" and "How to Beat Procrastination" from Andrew Finn and Tim Urban's great blog Wait But Why.)

And since writing is supposed to be such a big part of my identity--since I found at some point that I was pretty good at reading about and discussing and teaching (and) writing, and decided to pursue it to the end (identifying that end as a PhD in Rhetoric and Writing, followed by, presumably, a position as a professor in this or a related field)--a lot of questions are raised by my troubles.

I cannot stress enough that I am not alone in the struggle to understand how all of this work fits into my life, how all of the soul-searching is common to the grad student and the academic in general. Even my most focused and on-the-ball colleagues and mentors--the ones who seem to write as though it is breathing, who need to write--feel insecure about their current work, their careers, their futures, and their past decisions (Why am I here?), etc. ...

So I can imagine that many, if not all, of the folks whose paths are similar to yours--having arrived at nurse, spouse, parent, grandparent--and whose talents and interests may even be similar to yours--are thinking some of the same things you're thinking and feeling the same feelings you're feeling. Which isn't to say that I think--at all-- that the way we approach these thoughts and feelings is similar to others' or to each other. But I think that there is comfort in knowing that this is the condition of human beings (thoughtful and introspective ones, at least).

Where do we go from where we are, I wonder? People always say to procrastinators to just do the damn thing already and to people who are depressed to just be happy already and to people who want to be healthier to just change your habits already. And to people with writer's block to just write already. Which, like I said, is why I came here today. And it's funny, it really does seem like once you do get yourself to do the one little thing, you see something new about the world:

For me, today, sitting in the coffee shop during my writing meeting with one of my colleagues, I decided to visit our blog before posting and found that you are putting yourself out there, thinking about who you are and asking those big questions. My decision to write led me to know you a little better and to think about where we are in our lives and how, despite our completely different paths, we have such similar ideas and feelings weighing on our minds and hearts.

I'd love to hear what the three in the middle (and anyone else!) think.

What am I really doing here?

I need to figure something out for myself: what am I really doing here? What am I good at? I'm a wife. A darn good one. I work hard, treat the hubs like a King, I can cook, bake, sew on a button when necessary, clean when I have to, do laundry, the usual stuff. I'm a mom. I raised four kids with the hubs. We tried real hard to help them turn out to be productive human beings and they're finding their respective ways in the world. One or two of them are finding it more difficult, but they're doing ok. We tried to remind them that God is in charge and is always there for us, and I hope they all turn to Him for guidance. I'm a grandmother - I'm Nana, if you will. And I love those two baby boys fiercely. Anybody ever messes with them, I'll kick some butt. Don't even try. I'm a nurse. I'm a damn good nurse. I love what I do and why I do it and I love to continually educate myself and my coworkers about the latest and greatest in orthopedic surgery. I have hobbies I love. I cook and bake. Some pretty tasty stuff. I love to read. I mean, I LOVE to read. I devour books. And I retain what I read. But even though I recognize all these things about myself, I'm trying, just like zillions of other people, other women, to discover what I'm really doing here. Am I making a difference? Am I touching lives? Am. I. Making. A. Difference? 

Are any of us?

The boys of Fall

They're here - the boys of Fall. High school football scrimmage - on a beautiful late summer evening, cool and clear.

I don't know about you but I'm ready for real football and anything made with pumpkin!

Late summer bounty

Late summer, except for the horseflies and bees and extreme dry heat (but not this year) is so great. I love love love all the fresh veggies.

These babies were sent home with my husband by a friend of his at work and will be devoured tonight with cottage cheese, red onions and salt and pepper. Yum! 

What is your favorite summer treat from the garden? I've got tomatoes of my own growing but not quite ripe yet, along with spaghetti squash and pumpkins. Last evening at our local farmers' market I picked up jalapeños, baby red potatoes and green beans. 

I'd love to hear from you all!