Thursday, September 18, 2014
In the darkness ....
When trouble comes, and you are alone, the world seems very dark. It is then, in times when you feel your faith is shaken beyond repair, that you must seek God's word. He is always there with you. Pray with all of your heart - He hears you. Be still, and know that He is there.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Big Questions and Small Answers
I am reading my oldest sister's posts (this has sorta turned out to be your blog so far, Lori, hasn't it?) and now I am here to write about some of the things that are on my mind, too. First, big sis, I want to say that I admire the candidness with which you've come to this blog and with which you've written your most recent posts in particular.
(I could write all of that in a comment, but since I'm a contributor to this blog, this is how I'm doing it.)
I am "here" because I am also experiencing some of these troubles, too, in my own fashion. Questioning my purpose and my impact. I am "here" to read and write a blog post, because I need to make myself write, because I don't write anymore. And writing is supposed to be my job right now--at least according to the plan established two and a half years ago, when I started my PhD program. But instead of taking my prelims and writing my dissertation this year, I am on leave from my program to sort those things out, hone in on my research topic and methods, and hopefully get through the crippling combination of procrastination and writer's block that I've experienced--and which has gotten worse and worse--over the past few years.
(For a discussion of crippling procrastination/writer's block cycle that is very entertaining and meanwhile clear and explanatory, see "Why Procrastinators Procrastinate" and "How to Beat Procrastination" from Andrew Finn and Tim Urban's great blog Wait But Why.)
And since writing is supposed to be such a big part of my identity--since I found at some point that I was pretty good at reading about and discussing and teaching (and) writing, and decided to pursue it to the end (identifying that end as a PhD in Rhetoric and Writing, followed by, presumably, a position as a professor in this or a related field)--a lot of questions are raised by my troubles.
I cannot stress enough that I am not alone in the struggle to understand how all of this work fits into my life, how all of the soul-searching is common to the grad student and the academic in general. Even my most focused and on-the-ball colleagues and mentors--the ones who seem to write as though it is breathing, who need to write--feel insecure about their current work, their careers, their futures, and their past decisions (Why am I here?), etc. ...
So I can imagine that many, if not all, of the folks whose paths are similar to yours--having arrived at nurse, spouse, parent, grandparent--and whose talents and interests may even be similar to yours--are thinking some of the same things you're thinking and feeling the same feelings you're feeling. Which isn't to say that I think--at all-- that the way we approach these thoughts and feelings is similar to others' or to each other. But I think that there is comfort in knowing that this is the condition of human beings (thoughtful and introspective ones, at least).
Where do we go from where we are, I wonder? People always say to procrastinators to just do the damn thing already and to people who are depressed to just be happy already and to people who want to be healthier to just change your habits already. And to people with writer's block to just write already. Which, like I said, is why I came here today. And it's funny, it really does seem like once you do get yourself to do the one little thing, you see something new about the world:
For me, today, sitting in the coffee shop during my writing meeting with one of my colleagues, I decided to visit our blog before posting and found that you are putting yourself out there, thinking about who you are and asking those big questions. My decision to write led me to know you a little better and to think about where we are in our lives and how, despite our completely different paths, we have such similar ideas and feelings weighing on our minds and hearts.
I'd love to hear what the three in the middle (and anyone else!) think.
(I could write all of that in a comment, but since I'm a contributor to this blog, this is how I'm doing it.)
I am "here" because I am also experiencing some of these troubles, too, in my own fashion. Questioning my purpose and my impact. I am "here" to read and write a blog post, because I need to make myself write, because I don't write anymore. And writing is supposed to be my job right now--at least according to the plan established two and a half years ago, when I started my PhD program. But instead of taking my prelims and writing my dissertation this year, I am on leave from my program to sort those things out, hone in on my research topic and methods, and hopefully get through the crippling combination of procrastination and writer's block that I've experienced--and which has gotten worse and worse--over the past few years.
(For a discussion of crippling procrastination/writer's block cycle that is very entertaining and meanwhile clear and explanatory, see "Why Procrastinators Procrastinate" and "How to Beat Procrastination" from Andrew Finn and Tim Urban's great blog Wait But Why.)
And since writing is supposed to be such a big part of my identity--since I found at some point that I was pretty good at reading about and discussing and teaching (and) writing, and decided to pursue it to the end (identifying that end as a PhD in Rhetoric and Writing, followed by, presumably, a position as a professor in this or a related field)--a lot of questions are raised by my troubles.
I cannot stress enough that I am not alone in the struggle to understand how all of this work fits into my life, how all of the soul-searching is common to the grad student and the academic in general. Even my most focused and on-the-ball colleagues and mentors--the ones who seem to write as though it is breathing, who need to write--feel insecure about their current work, their careers, their futures, and their past decisions (Why am I here?), etc. ...
So I can imagine that many, if not all, of the folks whose paths are similar to yours--having arrived at nurse, spouse, parent, grandparent--and whose talents and interests may even be similar to yours--are thinking some of the same things you're thinking and feeling the same feelings you're feeling. Which isn't to say that I think--at all-- that the way we approach these thoughts and feelings is similar to others' or to each other. But I think that there is comfort in knowing that this is the condition of human beings (thoughtful and introspective ones, at least).
Where do we go from where we are, I wonder? People always say to procrastinators to just do the damn thing already and to people who are depressed to just be happy already and to people who want to be healthier to just change your habits already. And to people with writer's block to just write already. Which, like I said, is why I came here today. And it's funny, it really does seem like once you do get yourself to do the one little thing, you see something new about the world:
For me, today, sitting in the coffee shop during my writing meeting with one of my colleagues, I decided to visit our blog before posting and found that you are putting yourself out there, thinking about who you are and asking those big questions. My decision to write led me to know you a little better and to think about where we are in our lives and how, despite our completely different paths, we have such similar ideas and feelings weighing on our minds and hearts.
I'd love to hear what the three in the middle (and anyone else!) think.
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